Have You Ever Thought: “Why Am I Always the One Holding It All Together?”
Let’s be real for a moment.
You’re driven, capable, and (let’s face it) usually the most reliable person in the room. But when it comes to building something together—be it a business venture, a high-stakes project, or even just planning the family holiday—you often find yourself thinking:
“If I don’t do it, it won’t get done right.”
Sound familiar?
Now here’s the kicker: This isn’t a personal flaw.
And no, you’re not just “bad at delegation” or “too independent.”
What’s at play is something deeper. Something most people never get taught to see—let alone shift.
Why Your Brain is Wired Against Partnership
Alison Armstrong hit the nail on the head:
“Our instincts pull in the opposite direction of partnership…because our instincts are all about eliminating tension.”
Let’s unpack that.
Your brain—like everyone else’s—is hardwired for safety. When we sense tension (and let’s be honest, working with others often brings tension), our default setting is to eliminate it.
How?
- Say “yes” when you want to say “no.”
- Avoid conflict, even if it means burying your opinion.
- Do it all yourself instead of “dealing with” others.
- Settle. Shrink. Numb out.
That moment you say, “It’s just easier if I do it”? That’s not laziness. That’s instinct kicking in.
But instinct doesn’t equal truth.
The Cost of Peacekeeping: You Lose Yourself
Every time you sidestep what you need, to “keep the peace” or “be efficient,” you give away a little piece of yourself.
And the price?
- Resentment.
- Burnout masked as productivity.
- Feeling like a guest in your own life.
In coaching, I often see women—smart, accomplished women—who carry the emotional weight of entire teams, families, or departments on their shoulders. They don’t just lead; they over-function.
Why?
Because letting go means risking disappointment. And disappointment means tension. And tension… well, that’s what we’re trying to avoid.
It’s a loop. And it’s exhausting.
Partnership Isn’t the Problem. It’s How We Show Up In It.
Now here’s where it gets interesting.
Partnership is not about harmony 100% of the time. It’s about productive resistance—that sweet spot where differing perspectives create something better than any one person could do alone.
But to access that?
You need a full sense of self.
Not the watered-down version of you that’s palatable and predictable. The whole you—opinions, limits, messiness and all.
If you’ve never had safe space to practice showing up like that, of course it feels foreign.
Why People Flake, Ghost, or Let You Down (and Why It’s Not Always Their Fault)
If you’re thinking, “I’m just bad at choosing the right people,” pause.
What if it’s not a “you problem” or a “them problem,” but a dynamic problem?
When our partnerships (personal or professional) are built on instinct instead of intention, what happens is predictable:
- You start strong.
- You give 150%.
- Others fade, lean back, or disappear entirely.
Why?
Because when one person takes on everything (to avoid tension), the other unconsciously assumes, “They’ve got this.”
And poof. You’re on your own again. Not because you’re not good enough. But because you’re too good at hiding the cost.
Here’s What Most High-Achievers Miss: You Can’t Perform Your Way Into Partnership
I’ll say it again: You can’t earn support by being the most competent.
True partnership isn’t transactional. It’s relational. Messy. Vulnerable. And it starts by rewriting the script that says tension is dangerous.
This is the work I’ve had to do myself.
After decades in male-dominated industries, rising through the ranks, navigating corporate politics while raising a family—I learned to rely on myself first, second, and always. It got me far. But it also got lonely.
And then I had my “person soup” moment (Martha Beck’s phrase, not mine—but oh how true). A complete unraveling. And from that, I started rebuilding a life where partnership wasn’t a performance but a practice.
One where I could show up fully, even when things got messy.
So What Do We Do About It?
Glad you asked. This is exactly where coaching meets real life.
In Certified High Performance Coaching, one of the first things I help clients do is reclaim their clarity—who they are, what they stand for, and what they want their partnerships to feel like.
In my Imposter Syndrome-Informed Coaching, we normalise the instinct to over-function and reframe what it actually looks like to share the load (without guilt or second-guessing).
And through Wayfinder Coaching, we get curious—really curious—about what your body, your instincts, and your “inner compass” are trying to tell you when partnership feels hard.
Because spoiler: it’s not about fixing you. It’s about reconnecting with you.
Your Next Step (If You’re Ready)
If this has stirred something in you—maybe a quiet “yep, that’s me” or a full-body “I’ve had ENOUGH”—here’s my invitation:
Let’s talk.
Not a sales pitch. A real conversation. Because I believe every woman deserves to feel supported without shrinking, seen without performing, and successful on her own terms.
You can explore my programs here or just reach out for a chat. No pressure. Just possibility.
And remember…
You can unleash your version of success—without doing it all alone.
Your Coach
Stephanie
Ready to Ignite Your SPARK?
As a Certified High Performance, Wayfinder and Imposter Syndrome Informed Coach, I’m here to support you on this transformative journey. Whether it’s in your career, health, or relationships, my coaching programs are designed to help you achieve heightened and sustained levels of performance and potential. Are you ready to embrace these inner shifts then let’s embark on this journey together!
Whenever you’re ready, here are a few ways I can support you:
Join our IYS Community – to connect with like-minded individuals focused on increasing their ENGAGEMENT, CONFIDENCE & JOY in work (and life)
Access your FREE Online Training – and learn how you can immediately hit higher levels of performance and potential in all you do!
Take the High Performance Questionnaire – to understand if you’re ready to go to the next level and live a life full of engagement, joy and confidence…
Book a Chat – so we can breakthrough what you’re currently challenged with and take the next action towards living the life of your dreams!